I seem to have too much of this at the wrong times, and too little of it at the times I need it. Oh irony. You little biatch.
(Source: other-wordly, via onewishtomake)
mother’s day - family secrets
It’s mother’s day today.
My mom told me something that I never knew. A family secret.
i’m seeing a therapist now. maybe i can learn to not be such a naysayer. maybe. hopefully.
i wrote a letter from my momma to me…
You weren’t even two years old when I left you with grandma. So you probably don’t remember…
I left you with her because I had to work and she could take better care of you than I could at the time. I thought since you were so young it was for the best… then one day she called and said she lost you. I can’t find her she said. I don’t know where she is. It stung me halfway between the heart and the stomach. I was touching the phone but I couldn’t feel it in my hand. Have you heard a light bulb go out? It just sparks a small spark with the sound of a light pop and it’s out. That’s how I felt. Stood there with no words to say. How could I? I’m halfway around the globe and I could smell the dirty streets of Korea from here. You were wandering around with the cars and the lights all alone.
Sometimes when I come across an old photo like this one of intimate moments long gone, I think random thoughts like… Can’t believe he was inside me all those times. And now we couldn’t care less. Oi. Life. You’re funny.
Numbers on a Curb
I was driving with my mom …
MOM: Do you see those numbers, the ones painted on the curb, the ones that tell you the address?
ME: Huh?
MOM: Those, those right there, what are you blind?
ME: Oh yeah, those.
MOM: When we lived in our old house in the valley, a young couple came by one day. Rang on the door bell. When I answered, I saw the young girl was pregnant. Maybe six months? Belly out to there. The guy had a paint bucket and a brush in his hand. He told me that he just finished repainting the numbers on our curb, would I please give him a few bucks. I don’t know why, but I said no. I don’t know why I did that. Why did I do that, say no like that. Maybe cus I was alone in the house and I was scared. Maybe cus I didn’t speak English very well. If it were now, I’d give them everything I had in my wallet. Every time I think back on that, I have such regret. 
1Q84
How old are you?
I need to learn how to devise a polite and natural way to ask a guy about his age. Like, before we go out on a date. A way that is so sneaky and natural that he won’t think to ask me back. I went out with a guy this Monday and he was 7 years younger than me. NO DEAL. The guy who did robot sex was pretty much the same age. I don’t want to be a pedophile no mo.
sometimes we are not having the same sex
Sometimes when I am with a guy in bed, I feel as though we are not having the same sex. I was reminded of this, to the extreme, with the last guy I was with.
